Ready … set … FISH!

The division actually began in Spring of this year with the planting of hops, one of four main ingredients in beer. As can be seen in the accompanying photo, the hops are off to a healthy start, exceeding expectations for a first-year plant.

Because hops grow exponentially every year, brewing capacity for 2012 could reach several barrels, if other vital ingredients are secured. “Sure, we still need a source for barley malt, yeast, and water, but I think Bud and Miller should be quaking in their muckboots,” said agency principal Aldis Strazdins.

Strazdins’ confidence has caught fire with other Element associates. Jeremy Hansen, surprisingly eloquent web code geek, added, “Even with limited knowledge and used homebrewing equipment, surely we can produce a superior beer to what the monster macro-breweries spit out by the millions of barrels. It comes down to our passion for beer.”

That passion is evident on Element’s website, where a page is regularly updated with the beer currently on tap at the firm.

People with misophonia commonly find themselves affected by all kinds of noises and are annoyed by other people’s repetitive movements, such as leg-tapping, mouse clicks, and typing. People who suffer from this auditory disease are not annoyed by sounds that they themselves make. Whew! Lucky, right?

To help Pribnow with this possible ailment, Element has proactively purchased silent (and don’t forget flexible) keyboards, an Isolator (see image below), and implemented a noise policy that requires all shredding, taping, whistling, singing, speakerphone calls, gum snapping, toenail clipping, and eating to be done in the furnace room. No exceptions, besides Pribnow of course.

It is also recommended that employees refrain from wearing flip flops or socializing within 50 feet of Pribnow’s office … “or else.” Even keeping her solid wood door closed fails to provide an effective barrier from common office sounds.

No official doctor appointment has been scheduled, though at this point, a medical diagnosis wouldn’t matter. Please continue to check back for updates as we help fight this unfortunate situation.

He is survived by caretaker Kiar Olson, 15 Element employees, and Sue Barrett’s nostrils. The words, “man, that thing stinks” still ring throughout the office walls.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Max, the Jack Russell Terrier who played Milo, Jim Carrey’s faithful and intelligent dog in the 1994 movie The Mask. Rhino, the hamster from Disney’s animated classic Bolt, also attended the funeral and described Stoli as “Awesome. Actually, beyond awesome, and more accurately, be-awesome.”

The funeral was held today 1:50 p.m. for about five minutes.

In leiu of flowers, donations to the Hamster Replacement Fund can be given directly to Kiar Olson.

When Element’s Director of Publications, Ann Behling, went out on the patio to eat lunch this afternoon, she noticed a rock on the stool next to her. However, as she went to pick it up, she realized it had eyes!

A number of Element employees examined the specimen and eventually came to the conclusion that its proper name is the North American Gray Tree Frog- not to be confused with the European Tree Frog.

This particular frog is known for its ability to change color. It can go from nearly completely black to completely white to adjust to its surroundings. However, they change color much more slowly than a chameleon. ENC has not yet determined the sex of this particular frog, but has chosen what they feel to be a unisex name- Rock Frog*.

Take a look- can you find Rock Frog* amongst the imposters??

*No creative team members were sought-out during the five second naming process.

It seems that all account managers mysteriously took the same day off, except for Account Executive, Derek Blazsak.

“At first I was a little bummed that everyone went on vacation except me, but now, I’ve realized this is vacation!” said Blazsak. “And I have decided to take over this entire wing of the office.”

Blazsak spent most of the morning knocking down the wall between his office and the small conference room to allow enough space for his personal 9-hole miniature golf course. He’s certain Element owners, Lance Peroutka and Aldis Strazdins, wont mind once they actually see it in person next week.

Although Blazsak had quite the busy morning, he still managed to sneak in a ride around the office on Strazdins’ BMW motorcycle, and a 7-game series of ping-pong with each Element employee. And next, as the “King of the Wing,” Blazsak plans to host the 1st Annual Element Pond Party, complete with margaritas and water wings.

“The pond-palooza starts today at 4 p.m. and everyone is invited! Just don’t forget to take the supplied antibiotics. The retention pond is a little, um, dirty.”

“We’re all really excited about the changes Derek is making,” said Element Director of Publications, Ann Behling, “I heard next he’s converting Business Manager, Sue Barrett’s office into a movie theatre.”

Element account executives will be in for a surprise when they return to the office next week, but Blazsak’ sure they’ll be more than pleased with his office updates.

The toaster went missing sometime in the late afternoon on Tuesday, July 12, 2011. Other than a few scattered wheat bread crumbs (presumably Sara Lee brand), no evidence was left behind. Director of Publications, Ann Behling, is concerned she may have been the last person to see the toaster while it was still alive. “I used the toaster for my sandwich bread at lunch that day. I always go back after lunch when it’s cooled down to put it away….I just fear this time, I may have been too late.”

Element Project Manager, Sue Barrett, is a common target for these types of crimes. She’s known for her hatred of toaster crumbs and was one of the first to be investigated in this incident. Unfortunately, Barrett’s usual trademark of throwing toasters directly into the dumpster doesn’t apply. All office garbage cans have been thoroughly searched, leaving no signs of the whereabouts of this small kitchen appliance.

Anyone with information on this case is urged to come forward. Tips leading to the conclusion of this case are subject to a nice reward.

“Whether it’s a pinewood derby participation ribbon, or the Menominee County Fair Queen trophy, we feel each of our employees deserve equal recognition for their accomplishments,” says Element Agency Principal, Lance Peroutka. “Although some awards date back to 1962, and Element technically wasn’t in existence, we still feel those awards are equally as admirable as those received in recent years.”

In honor of these accomplishments, Element’s front lobby has been dedicated to showcasing employee trophies and awards. Guests are encouraged to drop by the Element office to take a look at the new display. Other awards include a 1962 Guam Marina Bowling League Championship trophy, a number of Senior Rabbit Showmanship awards, and not one … not two … but three 1990 DECA first place trophies, mainly in the Recreation and Tourism division.

Around the office, everyone seems to be following suit. Director of New Media, Kiar Olson, was seen unloading the dishwasher, and this morning, Web Developer, Ross Atkinson, took out his garbage for the first time since late 2004.

“We’ve already noticed major improvements. The manure scents coming from Publicity Coordinator, Derek Blaszak’s office are nearly gone, and in the process of organizing the storage room, we found long-lost Element hamster, Stoli,” says Barrett.

The Element team is dedicated to finishing every task on the spring-cleaning list, even if that means working straight through the weekend. Sleeping and eating arrangements should be no problem, but showering on the other hand? If only we would have installed that shower during the build…